Being the Dad of a Kid with Cancer: When Life Turns Upside Down

By Gavin Kerr, Co-Founder of Ryan’s Case for Smiles and Father of Child With Cancer

Most of us fathers have embraced our roles as providers, protectors, and guides. We show up—in the day-to-day, in times of joy, and when things go wrong. We offer emotional support, teach values, help with discipline, and partner in raising our children with love.  But when your child is diagnosed with cancer, has a life changing illness, or suffers a major injury, your world turns upside down.

What do you do when you hear this terrible news?

How do we cope when we can’t protect them, fix what’s broken, or even guarantee their safety and health?

As Father’s Day approaches, these questions weigh heavily on my mind.

When my son Ryan was diagnosed with a rare form of bone cancer, I was thrust into an upside down reality, one shared by more than one million dads every year in the United States. The moment you hear the diagnosis, everything changes. Life becomes a whirlwind of fear, responsibility, and heartbreak. And for fathers, it can be an especially isolating experience.

The Hidden Struggles Fathers of Kids with Illnesses Face

Fathers of seriously ill or injured children carry heavy burdens—often silently and alone. We juggle jobs, finances, caregiving, and the emotional toll of watching our child suffer. We are expected to stay strong, to “keep it together,” even as our own world unravels. And often, there is no one else you can talk to. No one else who has been here before. No one who truly understands.

Challenges for Dads of an Ill or Injured Child

Here are just a few of the challenges dads of kids with cancer and other illnesses face:

• Emotional Distress – Fear, anxiety, sadness, guilt, grief and helplessness are common when your child is diagnosed with a health condition. We have been taught to soldier on and many of us are reluctant to seek professional help for fear it will put our jobs and relationships at risk.
• Financial Strain – Medical bills and travel costs can pile up quickly, while often income decreases due to our partners giving up his or her job to care for our sick child. Bills pile up with the added costs of hospital trips, doctors’ visits, prescriptions, and the family’s increased needs. This creates enormous stress and anxiety, which often continues even after your child has recovered. (For more on the financial stress for fathers, read, Kid’s Cancer Sucks: A Father’s Financial Trauma.)
• Role Disruption – The shift from traditional roles—breadwinner, protector—to full-time caregiver and advocate can feel disorienting and isolating to many dads.
• Increased Responsibilities – From managing household tasks to coordinating medical appointments and care, many fathers take on more than ever before—often without asking for help.
• Lack of Support – Culturally, men are still taught to “tough it out.” As a result, fathers can feel unseen, unsupported, and alone.

With all this disruption and change, it’s not surprising that over half of fathers with seriously ill children experience moderate to severe symptoms of post-traumatic stress. I was one of them. And the trauma doesn’t end when treatment does—or even when you lose a child. Seventeen years after Ryan’s passing, I still experience moments of intense, unexpected anxiety and grief.

The Strength Fathers of Kids with Cancer Find Along the Way

And yet, amid the pain of having a child with a serious illness, we can find growth. Strength. Hope. Even joy.

Positives of Being a Dad of Ill or Injured Child

• Stronger Bonds – Many families grow closer after a child’s diagnosis, united by the fight and the love that carries them through.
• A New Perspective – Fathers of children with cancer often emerge with a deeper appreciation for life and a sharper understanding of what truly matters.
• Personal Growth – The pain may shape us, but it doesn’t have to define us. Many dads discover a profound sense of purpose, maturity, and resilience.
• Connection – Support groups, online communities, and other dads can offer powerful connections and remind us that we are not alone.
• Advocacy – Some fathers of severely ill kids channel their pain into purpose—supporting other families, raising awareness, or driving positive change in the healthcare system.

Dads of Children with Illnesses Don’t Have to Go It Alone

Like many fathers of children with cancer and other health conditions, I tried to handle everything on my own for too long. Looking back, I wish I had reached out for help. I want to make sure you and others know you don’t have to go it alone..

That’s one reason why I helped found Ryan’s Case for Smiles and create CopingSpace.org: to offer fathers—and families—the tools and support they need from the moment of their child’s diagnosis, through treatment, and beyond. There you can find information, advice and resources to not only support your family, but yourself as well.

There are many other resources for fathers of sick or injured children too:

• Friends and Family often want to help, even if they are not sure what to do. Reach out to ask for assistance managing household tasks, getting groceries and even supporting your other kids. For more ideas on how your community can help, check out our list of top 10 gifts for families of kids with cancer and visit the Community page.
• Mental Health Professionals can change lives. They provide counseling to support the unique needs of each father and help people develop coping strategies to manage stress and anxiety. Your child’s care team can recommend local resources such as psychiatrists, psychologist, clinical social workers, and online mental health services that provide confidential help. In addition, many employers provide confidential Employee Assistance Service offering short-term therapy services at no cost.
• Hospitals and Cancer Centers typically have full time social workers, psychologists, and care coordinators ready to help. Don’t be afraid take advantage of all the services they offer at no cost.
• Online Communities can connect you to other dads walking the same path. Examples include Caring For A Sick Child Support Group, numerous Facebook groups like CancerDads and, DiabetesDads, as well as disease specific organizations such as The Pediatric Heart Network and The Pediatric Brain Tumor Foundation.
• Financial Assistance Programs can help ease the enormous financial burden a child’s illness creates for a family. Start with the hospital’s patient financial services staff who can help you manage your payments and refer you to the many not-for-profit organizations that provide supports to pay bills, manage debt, and survive the financial crisis that often accompanies a child’s serious injury or illness. Your families social work team may also have suggestions.

Remember: you’re not weak for seeking support—you’re strong for doing what it takes to care for yourself and your family. So don’t hesitate to talk to your care team and ask what resources are available.

A Message for Dads of Kids with Serious Illnesses

If you’re a father walking this path right now, I see you. I know the pain, the exhaustion, and the fierce love that keeps you going.

This journey may be the hardest thing you ever face. I know. I’ve been through a 6-year cancer battle with my son and sadly lost him over 15 years ago. I still carry the scars. But I also carry strength I never knew I had. As does my wife and other children.

You and your family will come through this. You may never be the same—but you will be wiser, deeper, and a better father than you ever imagined.

Happy Father’s Day—to all dads, but especially to those who carry more than anyone knows and find the strength to keep going.